You would think after 3 nights in a row of the Rosebowl – that I would want to give a full recap of every detailed happening, the truth is, I learned while writing my VMA recap (which I still haven’t finished and probably never will) that recaps are really boring to write. You think I would at least want to drone on about meeting and getting a kiss from my crush! (Best thing ever) But in all honesty, whats been on my mind for weeks now, was brought up at least twice this weekend.
Thursday night I was planning on going to the show alone when last minute an old friend called and asked if she could tag along. Tickets were cheap and we hadn’t hung out in a long time so I figured why not.
After only 20 minutes together, she had finally said the phrase that I had been expecting, ” You’ve changed. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.”
She isn’t the only person whose said it recently, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot as well. I believe my two closest friends can vouch for the fact that I haven’t changed so much as, become more myself. For years now I have been suppressing and shaping my personality to create the person I hoped to be in the future, rather than just accepting who I am. The language I used, the way I dressed, the activities I participated in were all in the hopes of attracting the type of man that I thought I would want to father my children.
From the first moment you tell your parents “That’s not fair!” you begin creating the ideals that you will one day want to raise your children by. I have wanted nothing more out of life, than to create the family that I wish I had grown up in. In my family, you only earn respect by being a parent, therefore, I was going to be a better parent than any of the rest of them. I was going to have polite, respectful, smart and successful children. I was going to be married first, and stay with him forever. I was going to do everything the right way, and therefore, everything I did leading up to that, had to be done in such a way that I would attract the type of man to be my partner in all of this.
In March of this year, all of this was torn apart when I finally sought a doctor after ongoing symptoms that I could no longer ignore. The news delivered to me: “You have PCOS – you may never be able to conceive without fertility treatments” was some of the hardest news I have ever received. I had been suspecting it for months, but, was in denial about it. I went through all 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Barginning, Depression, and finally Acceptance.
Acceptance came in a way that was unexpected though. Upon accepting the fact that I may never have children, I also came to realize how intricately this plan had controlled my life. Without the possibility of children, so many things that had been important to me before (being modest, using nice language, submission) all seemed pointless now. I felt free to be who I really was without trying to suppress myself to attract my ideal guy.
I also noticed my lack of contentment in life before. My same, aforementioned friend, had also made the statement “I think it’s funny how people your age think that this, now, is all that there will ever be. The things you want in life now, aren’t what you’re going to want in 5 years.” My answer? I’m not looking for what’s going to happen in 5 years, for once in life, I’m happy with who I am, and where I am, right now. All through life people are constantly looking forward to the next stage, rather than enjoying where there at now. When you’re in high school, you can’t wait for college. When you’re in college – you can’t wait to get married. Once you’re married – you can’t wait to have kids. It’s never ending and you’re never content with where you are at.
Not knowing what will happen in my future and feeling free to be myself, allows me to enjoy where I am now. Right now, I like to write, so that’s what I do. Writing has been my solace to losing the imaginary babies I had dreamed of for so long. I’m doing something I love to do, to create something new, that’s a reflection of myself. MY stories are my children, and I am content with that.