Draw me nearer
hold me tight
grant me strength
to endure the fight.
Daily I wake
into a world of despair
a world that hates you
and doesnt want me there.
I fall into temptation
smearing your name
and still you deliver me
and love me just the same.
Anger and desire
pride and lust
but in your LORD
my heart does trust.
My prayer to you
both day and night
help me to love you
soul, strength, and might.
You drive me insane. Absolutely crazy! Sometimes I love it. But sometimes I just want to give up and walk away. I keep thinking that, if only we knew each other better, if only I could get you to talk more, I would feel better. But then, for some reason, I always choke up, and don’t say anything. And that’s me, that’s my fear of chasing you away, or being rejected, or, of getting to close and ending up hurt. That’s probably why I stay though. Because as much as I’m frustrated with your inability to show affection, you always seem to show just enough, at just the right time, to make me think it’s worth it.
On another note though, you do drive me crazy in a good way! You can be very negative about yourself sometimes; no matter how amazing I tell you that you are. You are suddenly very confident when it matters though, and confidence is attractive in everybody! Seeing you smile makes my day! Seeing you excited gets me excited, even if it’s something stupid like baseball! I love when you’re actually in the mood to be flirty and playful, just as much as I love when you get all cuddly!
Right now though, I’m pretty mad at you.!
I can’t begin to tell you how many letters I’ve written you over the last year and a half, letters that you will most likely never see. I thought of tell you how much I have hated you, how betrayed and alone you made me feel. How I cried for almost a year before I was finally able to completely let go. But instead, I want to talk about your life. It’s funny that what I originally saw in you, ended up being the demise of our relationship, and even with me gone, is still going to ruin your life; your obedience to your parents. I loved the relationship that you had with them; it was something I always envied. I loved that you were a good boy, and wanted to please them. As betrayed, and hurt, and lied to as I felt, being able to look back on it, it’s a good thing that you chose to obey them and quit liking me. Even if it still sounds completely absurd to me, we are instructed to obey our parents, and your relationship with God is more important to me, than your relationship with me was.
My concern now though, is that in an effort to make up for your deceit, you have sacrificed yourself. This is a beautiful emulation of Christ of course, but, in your human nature, can’t be done perfectly. See, you’re selfish and prideful, we all are. But you had dreams for yourself that you have now abandoned, to fulfill the dreams that your parents had for you instead. I do not doubt for one second that you love your girlfriend as much as you say you do. Because I know you, better than anyone, and I know that you love big and with all your heart. You don’t hold back. But can you honestly say, that you feel that same love back from her? Only you can answer that, and it’s up to you to answer it honestly.
As for me, I’m no longer hurting, no longer jealous or mad. I’ve hardened my heart to trusting others. I’ve closed my heart from getting close to others. But I’m stronger, because rather than jumping into a new relationship to help me get over the old, I waited it out and suffered, rather than using someone else to get over you I waited until I was completely ready to do so.
Many of you have seen the facebook posts that instruct you to “like” a status for your friend to post a letter for each of the people in a specified list. Every time I have come across this post, it gets me thinking about what I might say, so in turn, I have decided to make it into a weeklong blog post. One letter a day, no names, no tags, and no malice intent. Just heartfelt words I may normally keep hidden.
Day 1: A letter to my best friend.
Dear Best Friends,
Yes, there are two of you, and you truly are my best friends. Not because you have always been there for me, because you haven’t. Not because you’ve always put me first, because that’s not the case. Not even because I spend all of our time together, because we most definitely do not. You’ve let me down, you’ve chosen your boyfriends and girlfriends over me, and you’ve made many mistakes that I felt the consequences of. But they were mistakes I witnessed, learned, and grew from. You two are my best friends simply because there is no one in the world that I love more, no one that I trust more, and no one that I’ve learned more from. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the two of you, and I hope the person I am in the future is just as much influenced by having you in my life. Whenever something exciting happens, it’s you that I want to tell first. Whenever I need to cry, you are who I call. I love you both so much, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about you!
We all have the days where we come home from work moody and irritable, but when we try to explain to our family just what it was that made your day so awful, they don’t seem to get what the big deal is. They don’t understand the tiny little things your coworkers do that annoy you to the point of spending your lunch hour day dreaming of different murder scenarios. It’s these little pet peeves that make our families wonder if we they should commit us now, or wait until we’ve completely cracked. Continue reading
I have wanted to do book reviews for a long time, but always find myself wanting to write a review for a book I’ve read a hundred times over, and most other readers have too. But I have finally come across a new title that has peaked my interest. Hope to have a reveiw for you on this one by the end of the week!
In the dead of night, Cahir awoke. Sweat dripped down the back of his neck and his legs struggled to free themselves from the twisted sheets. His heart skipped, startled by the sounds of the old mans snores. He relaxed as he remembered where he was, but as he laid his hard down again to rest, he recalled the memories that cause him to awake in the first place. Continue reading